Emotional maturity? In our romance novel? ⭐️

Dear Romanceaholics,

You know the moment.

Our heroine has finally admitted she has feelings for him.

The chemistry is chemistrying.

The yearning has become medically concerning.

We’re invested.

And then—

The Ex appears.

She is beautiful, obviously.

Perfectly dressed.

Probably wearing expensive perfume.

And within approximately three paragraphs, we discover she is also manipulative, jealous, shallow, cruel, sexually aggressive, obsessed with getting him back, inexplicably hostile toward the heroine, and possibly responsible for several minor international conflicts.

Why?

Because apparently the easiest way to convince us that the new woman is right for him…

is to make the old woman awful.

And every time a romance refuses to do that?

Every time the ex walks onto the page and turns out to be

wait for it

a normal human being?

⭐️

There it is.

The book just earned a star.

SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE TERRIBLE FOR THE NEW LOVE TO BE BETTER

This is the part I wish more romances trusted.

Sometimes relationships end because someone cheated.

Sometimes someone behaved terribly.

Sometimes there really is a villain in the breakup.

But sometimes?

Two perfectly decent people were simply wrong for each other.

Maybe they wanted different futures.

Maybe the chemistry was there but the emotional intimacy wasn’t.

Maybe they loved each other once and slowly grew apart.

Maybe one wanted children and the other didn’t.

Maybe they met at the wrong time.

Maybe they spent years trying to turn a good relationship into a forever relationship because neither wanted to admit that good wasn’t the same thing as right.

That’s real.

And more importantly?

It can make the new romance stronger.

Because now the heroine isn’t winning because the ex was horrible.

She’s right for him because something between these two people fits in a way the previous relationship didn’t.

That distinction matters.

PLEASE STOP MAKING THE EX EVIL BECAUSE SHE’S HOT

We meet her.

She’s gorgeous.

Our heroine notices immediately.

Of course she does.

The ex has glossy hair, long legs, immaculate clothes, and the kind of effortless confidence our heroine suddenly believes she herself has never possessed in her entire life.

Fine.

Jealousy has entered the building.

We can work with this.

But then the story apparently becomes nervous that we’ll like the ex.

So within five pages:

She insults the heroine.

Touches the hero possessively.

Makes some comment about how well she knows his body.

Calls the heroine cute in that way.

Attempts to seduce him.

And possibly announces:

You really think he’ll stay with someone like you?

Ah.

There she is.

The Evil Ex™.

Now we don’t have to wrestle with any complicated feelings because the narrative has helpfully informed us which woman deserves him.

But you know what would be more interesting?

She walks into the room.

She’s gorgeous.

She’s confident.

She’s kind to the heroine.

And suddenly our heroine’s insecurity has nowhere convenient to go.

Oh.

Now we have character work to do.

⭐️

A GOOD EX CAN ACTUALLY MAKE THE JEALOUSY BETTER

Hear me out.

If the ex is terrible, jealousy becomes easy.

Of course the heroine doesn’t want her around.

We don’t want her around either.

Get thee behind us, Tiffany.

But if the ex is lovely?

Now things get interesting.

She’s funny.

Intelligent.

Successful.

She knows the hero incredibly well.

They have shared memories.

His family still likes her.

She knows the story behind the scar.

She understands the obscure reference nobody else catches.

And worst of all?

She’s nice.

Our heroine desperately wants to hate her.

She cannot.

That creates a much more vulnerable question:

If there was nothing wrong with her… what makes me different?

Oh, babe.

There it is.

That’s not really jealousy anymore.

That’s fear.

And fear gives the romance somewhere deeper to go.

NOW HE HAS TO EXPLAIN WHY IT’S HER

And THIS is where we get paid.

Because if the ex is awful, the hero’s choice is obvious.

Why don’t you want her?

Because she’s terrible.

Okay.

End scene.

But if the ex is beautiful, intelligent, decent, and genuinely cared about him?

Then the heroine’s question becomes harder:

Why me?

And his answer can’t simply be:

Because you’re better than her.

Please don’t.

I want:

Because you’re you.

Maybe the ex understood his ambition, but the heroine understands his fear.

Maybe he could talk to his ex about everything except the things that actually mattered.

Maybe he loved her, but he never felt completely known.

Maybe he spent that entire relationship being the version of himself everyone expected him to be.

And with the heroine?

He can finally breathe.

Not because one woman is superior.

Because one relationship fits differently.

That’s romance.

THE HEROINE DOESN’T HAVE TO WIN A WOMAN COMPETITION

This is another reason the non-villainized ex earns a star.

The heroine’s worth shouldn’t depend on defeating another woman.

She doesn’t need to be:

prettier than the ex,

kinder than the ex,

sexier than the ex,

less demanding than the ex,

more “natural” than the ex,

better in bed than the ex,

or, heaven help us

not like other girls.

She doesn’t need to win.

Love isn’t a pageant.

The hero isn’t a trophy awarded to whichever woman performs femininity most correctly.

He chooses her because he loves her.

That’s enough.

AND THE EX DOESN’T NEED TO BE PUNISHED FOR HAVING LOVED HIM FIRST

This one gets me.

Sometimes the ex’s greatest crime appears to be that she once had access to the hero before our heroine did.

She kissed him.

Slept with him.

Loved him.

Has memories with him.

Maybe she even still has complicated feelings about him.

And suddenly the narrative starts punishing her for it.

But of course she has history with him.

That’s what “ex” means.

She doesn’t need to be humiliated so the heroine can feel secure.

She doesn’t need to be rejected publicly.

She doesn’t need to become pathetic.

She doesn’t need to end the book alone as karmic repayment for once dating the male lead.

She can simply be someone who loved him once.

And then lost him.

Or left him.

Or realized they weren’t right.

That’s not villainy.

That’s life.

SOMETIMES THE EX WAS RIGHT ABOUT HIM

Oh, now we’re having fun.

Imagine the ex isn’t bitter.

She’s not trying to break them up.

She actually likes the heroine.

But at some point she quietly says:

He shuts down when he’s scared.

Or:

He’ll tell you he’s protecting you when he’s really avoiding the conversation.

Or:

Don’t let him make every decision just because he’s used to being the person in charge.

And our heroine eventually realizes

Oh my God. She wasn’t jealous. She was giving me the user manual.

I love this.

Because suddenly the ex isn’t there merely to validate how desirable the hero is.

She’s a person who knew him.

Maybe she sees his flaws clearly because she lived with them.

Maybe she wishes someone had told her the same thing.

Maybe she genuinely hopes he gets it right this time.

Emotional maturity?

In our romance novel?

⭐️⭐️ Careful now.

LET THE HERO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE OLD RELATIONSHIP TOO

This can add so much depth to him.

Maybe the ex wasn’t the problem.

Maybe he was.

Not maliciously.

Not unforgivably.

Maybe he was emotionally unavailable.

Maybe he prioritized work.

Maybe he avoided conflict until resentment grew.

Maybe he assumed loving someone was enough without learning how to actually be a partner.

And now?

He can look back and say:

I hurt her.

Not:

She was crazy.

Not:

She wanted too much.

Not:

She couldn’t handle me.

Just—

I wasn’t ready to give her what she needed.

Oh.

Hello, character development.

Because if he can understand what he did wrong before, we have reason to believe he won’t blindly repeat it now.

His past relationship becomes part of his growth rather than a convenient dumpster fire designed to make the current heroine look superior.

EXES CAN EVEN… LIKE EACH OTHER

I know.

Wild.

Our heroine meets the ex.

Tension.

Suspicion.

A little insecurity.

Then eventually?

They have a conversation.

A real one.

And discover they actually like each other.

Maybe the ex says:

He’s different with you.

And importantly, she doesn’t mean:

You’re better than I was.

She means:

He’s different now.

That line?

That can destroy me.

Because suddenly we’re acknowledging something romances sometimes forget:

People change.

Relationships teach us things.

The person who wasn’t capable of loving well at twenty-five may have done enough growing to love differently at thirty-five.

That doesn’t mean the old love was fake.

It means it belonged to who they were then.

AND SOMETIMES THE EX SHOULD GET HER OWN HAPPY ENDING

Oh, absolutely.

Not as consolation.

Not because every unattached woman needs to be paired off before the credits roll.

But because sometimes we spend enough time with her to realize:

Wait. I like her.

And then the author’s note announces:

Her book is next.

Excuse me?

Suddenly I’m remembering every emotionally suspicious interaction she had with the hero’s best friend.

That argument at the wedding.

That one look across the kitchen.

The moment he said he couldn’t stand her.

Oh.

OH.

Author.

You sneaky little menace.

We’re preordering.

THE REAL FLEX IS MAKING US UNDERSTAND WHY THE FIRST LOVE MATTERED

This might be my favorite version.

Don’t erase the old relationship.

Honor it.

Maybe he really did love his ex.

Maybe she loved him.

Maybe they had beautiful years together.

Maybe she helped shape him.

Maybe losing that relationship broke something open in him.

And still—

she isn’t his forever person.

That’s emotionally richer than pretending every relationship before the HEA was meaningless.

Sometimes someone can be important without being permanent.

Sometimes a love can be real and still end.

And acknowledging that doesn’t diminish the central romance.

It makes the emotional world around it feel real.

WHY THIS EARNS THE BOOK A STAR

Because the easiest way to make the heroine look good is to make another woman look terrible.

The harder—and better—way?

Write a heroine who doesn’t need another woman diminished to shine.

Write an ex who has dignity.

Write a hero capable of acknowledging that his previous relationship mattered without secretly wanting it back.

Let the heroine experience jealousy without turning another woman into an enemy.

Let two women recognize each other’s humanity.

Let the past be complicated.

Let everyone behave like adults occasionally.

And then show us why this love is different.

Not because the heroine defeated the ex.

Not because she’s prettier.

Not because she’s cooler.

Not because she drinks beer instead of cocktails, wears sneakers instead of heels, or somehow possesses the exact correct amount of sexual experience.

But because when these two people find each other

something fits.

Something opens.

Something becomes possible that wasn’t possible before.

The ex doesn’t need to become smaller for us to believe the heroine is his great love.

In fact?

Sometimes letting the ex remain beautiful, complicated, lovable, and entirely human makes his choice mean more.

Because he isn’t choosing between a good woman and a bad woman.

He’s choosing the woman who is right for him.

And she isn’t winning.

She’s being loved.

⭐️ That’s how you earn the star.

🖤 ROMANCEAHOLIC

BETTER STORIES. BIGGER FEELINGS.
LOVE STORIES. TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

The ex doesn’t have to be the villain for the heroine to be the love of his life.

Sometimes the most romantic thing a story can say is: nobody had to lose for these two people to find their forever.